It seems it's too early to retire the One-Boob Diva in me. I was sure in 2012 when my second set of scans -- CT and bone -- came back with negative results for cancer that I had beat this thing. I moved ahead with an oophorectomy (getting my ovaries out), I got reconstruction surgery and a prophylactic mastectomy at the same time. I had done everything medically that I was supposed to do to fight this damn cancer. I was sure I had. But I was wrong. What started as cramps and pain in my left leg and lower back six weeks ago turns out to be a "recurrence" of my ER+ breast cancer in my spine. Three places to be exact: two sclerotic lesions on the T12 vertebrae and one lytic lesion in my lumbar area (can't remember exactly which bone). The good news: we caught it early; the CT shows my organs are fine; there's medicine that I can take that's quite effective; my oncologist is very positive; and so is everyone around me.
But, I was sure... And now I'm struggling to find my positive, inner diva. I'm scared. I'm scared shitless. I'm terrified. And I'm fucking mad. I had just gotten to that point when I trusted my body again. I had just gotten to that point when cancer wasn't a word that popped into my head on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis. I had just gotten to the point when I could look beyond six months, a year and plan... anything. I had just gotten to the point when finally I could use vacation days for vacations and not for doctor visits and to recover from a procedure. I had just gotten to a point when I truly believed I could make it to 97 and peacefully die in my sleep. And now, I'm back to fighting for my life. I'm back to wondering if I should be planning trips next year or should I be writing Alyssa notes about her future milestones and recording myself so she doesn't forget me as she grows up? There... that's it: my worst nightmare. The thing that breaks my heart into ten thousand little pieces every time it creeps into my consciousness.
But I can't ever be sure. No one can ever be sure. I shouldn't have been so sure. No one knows when, where or how their lives will turn out, or end. But I know that I can't live mine afraid. There was a period in late 2010 -- while I waited to hear about my treatment plan -- that I couldn't process anything. I knew I wanted surgery first, right away because I wanted this tumor out of me. But that's all I knew I wanted. During that time, while I waited, I was petrified. I was so scared that I couldn't even decide on what to do for the coming weekend. I couldn't bring myself to plan Christmas or New Year, let alone what to do next summer. I was frozen. And I think I'm there again. I think I'm petrified. But that's when I let cancer win a bit of my soul. And I can't have that. I can't ever be sure of a lot of things in my life. But I am sure that Alyssa and Dennis need me. I have a responsibility to be a Mommy, a wife, a best friend, a daughter, a friend, a colleague, and even a stranger who might say the right thing at the right time to someone who really needed to hear something profound, or just really normal from a fellow human being. I am sure that I have to dig deep and be amazing, even if I'm scared. Because I have no choice. I am sure that I will fight. I am the One-Boob Diva. I did this before and I will do it again.
There will be bad days. There will be days when I will need positivity from others to lift me up and lighten my load. That's what I learned last time. And I'm sure that this time, that immense amount of love, light and prayers will carry me through the tough days again. And I will come out on the other side whole again. Of that, I am sure.
