I have a problem setting limits... for myself. I push, and push, and push until I'm too tired, or too frazzled, too stressed, or at my wit's end. That can't be good - on all accounts. I don't think my stress levels brought about my breast cancer. I think it had more to do with my genes. Actually, I do know, because I was tested: BRCA1. (Attention, all female family members on my Dad's side: please get yourself tested if you can!) Back to stress... what I do know is that it probably didn't do me any good. It still doesn't and that's why I need to stop and smell the roses. Literally. I need to stop, look around me and take stock.
I've done quite a bit in the last six months of my life. I'm in the home stretch when it comes to beating this damn disease. I'm almost at the finish line. I just have roughly 6-7 weeks to go and a Monday to Friday date with the radiation machine at my hospital. And then I consider myself at the top of that mountain it's taken me so long to climb. I've armed myself quite well for this tiring trek... I've started this blog; I've told all my friends and family; I've asked for help when I needed it - when it made sense. But now I need to ask myself for help: I need to give myself permission to rest. I don't generally know how to do that - rest. I've realized that I don't know how to de-stress. So I've taken matters into my own hands - like I did when I shaved my head before I lost my hair to chemo. This time, I'm going on short-term disability. I'm giving myself the opportunity to rest during the hardest, most tiring part of radiation.
I've come to realize this: life is short. Even if I live to be 92 years old, I will still consider life short. There's so much to do! There's so much to see! There's so much to laugh about, dance about, sigh about. I don't want to miss a single day, a single moment of being able to do all that. So if that means four weeks of rest, no work, no worries, no stress... then so be it. I'm putting myself first and I'm going to enjoy it, damn it!
